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When I think about my scan in March or my knee hurting, yes, I get nervous and shaky.  The chemo makes one feel like a giant floating glob with fuzzy surroundings and requires an occasional bucket.

Everyone handles the chemo differently though. One of the first things my doc told me was every individual is different. The genetic differences mix with the drugs and that helps determine the healing process.   This is why some people gain weight, lose weight, lose or keep their hair or have differences in their confusion and communication.

For me I had an interesting time with communication.  My words came out weird so a lot of the time my parents would nod and smile. They told me later it’s because I made no sense. (There is a technical name for this! It escapes me at the moment)

Another thing that scares me though is hearing about people around me having trouble.  Being sick is no fun and lonely and can be downright scary.  Saying the word cancer in general is scary. It’s not something someone wants to say or experience.  I’ve been reading a book about the history of cancer, and one thing that helps reassure me is that today’s medical advances have grown much in the past few decades.

Anesthesia for procedures is better, nausea pills have advanced to assist alongside treatment to keep away the bucket (I didn’t need it till halfway through, but my doc said having a healthy appetite helped there to) sleeping pills for the insomnia associated with treatment have been advancing as well.

One thing that bothers me though was this week.  I happen to have heavy insomnia.  I recently needed new pills because the last ones prescribed didn’t work for me.  My school health ctr recently lost my physician (who was also the director and only one able to prescribe at this small facility) so I couldn’t go there, so I called home and was told because I’m currently out of state they could not prescribe me any controlled substances.

After two in half weeks on 3 hours of sleep I was starting to crack with stress from school.  Luckily Walgreens had my back with over-the-counter Unisom!  I was able to enjoy sleep all last night into this morning! Glorious sleep, no thanks to the healthcare system.

Mostly though, I am grateful for today’s medical advancements for me and those around me!

So lately I have been stressed with school, my internship and recent knee pain.  My next pet scan is in March and I’m afraid my nerves have cracked and my fears of my cancer coming back are taking over.   I tried to start physical therapy, but it hurts so I haven’t been able to continue.   By accepting that I’m afraid though it seems to lessen the fear because then I can think how silly it is and continue staying positive that it is normal pain from the joint damage, I had due to the cancer.

I started applying to jobs this week!  Its adding to the stress and my worries but at least those nerves are more exciting than the negative thoughts that keep pushing through.  I can’t stand the thought of having to find out its back and having to tell my young nephew. He’s very brave and strong for 8 (5 @ the time) but I know how much he misses me at school and how nervous he gets when he hears I have doc appts.   He tries not to show it but being 8 it’s easy to tell.   I also really don’t want to go through chemo again.

The chemo made me feel like shit.  And that’s all for now.

During my winter break, my mom and I went to get my hair cut.   Now this was a special time, because it was my second, first hair cut!  I had let it grow for the 2.5 years since I was declared in remission (March 16, 2010- dec 22 2012).

It was so long and curly that I ended up donating 2 ten-inch ponytails to locks of love.   When it was first growing back in it was almost as curly as Shirley Temple locks.  Unfortunately, this time it has not returned to that curly state but back to its regular wavey texture.

When the first ponytail was cut off it felt like a huge weight lifted off, not only because hair is really heavy, but it’s another step in moving forward.  I had wanted a sexy haircut to look my age, but I do feel the need to complain.  The young woman cutting my hair did not know what she was doing.

She started my haircut by handing me the brush to comb out my curls and had to be rescued by another hairdresser, so needless to say by the time she got everything trimmed up and cute, I wasn’t willing to wait longer for her to layer and style it.

While it bummed my special haircut, we still made the best of it.  Mom took pictures during each step and after we went Xmas shopping and had family time to end our special day.  I am also now liking my simple haircut, but when it starts growing out again, I’m definitely going to try the layered look! Maybe then my curls will come back, because that’s one part of my past I would like to come with me as I journey to my future.

I was able to post some pictures in the previous blogs, I’m not sure if I have any followers yet but if I do, feel free to go back and look.

I am supposed to start applying for jobs soon as I graduate in May (go me!)  but I’m nervous. I am homesick, but I know if I go straight back there’s a good chance I won’t find a job, but if I stay out here I may or may not find a job (as jobs are slim pickings anywhere these days) and then I will still be 1,100 miles away from family and friends.

I suppose I’m nervous about being alone and that my poor memory (which became worse with the chemo) may get in the way of my job interviewing, and then they’ll ask about the gap in my resume. I have been getting split reviews from different people telling me to own up to having cancer and to avoid saying it at all costs.  I realize I can’t NOT get hired for having a history of cancer, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t still be in the back of all our minds. Same goes for relationships, I have this fear that my medical history will also get in the way there to. (This is on the mind as we just had New Year’s and of course everyone around me seemed to have someone for New Year’, except me).

New Year’s resolution, a quote came to me from a movie I viewed on Netflix: ” what was it she feared the most? – being alone- Yes! and because she feared being alone, she was enveloped by it!”  –  so maybe that wasn’t the exact saying, but close enough.  I’m going to make an effort to stop being so worried that this will keep me alone and focus on more important things, like finishing school and getting a job! And who knows, maybe with these distractions, as my young nephew would say, my prince charming will be found.

When I first started sharing my feelings, it was difficult. I was able to talk about what happened pretty easily, but as soon as I started talking about how I felt the waterworks came.  The first real time was during my painting final.  We had all semester to work on painting, just painting whatever came to us, “don’t think,” my professor said, ” just paint”. Of course, I thought I was wasting my money, and I still do in a way, but I see where she was coming from.

Our program is very much, work on your problems now so they don’t appear later (or as intense anyway, with future clients who may have the same problem). Throughout the semester my teacher and I realized some things coming from my work.  My paintings showed my anxiety, my feelings of being trapped from an anxious mother and from my medical problems, how I lacked my childhood and wasn’t able to ” play” — yes this can be seen from artwork– and varied all the way to my final piece of how I felt now (or at that time post cancer).

These paintings aren’t listed in order, but they represent the freedom I felt of finally being able to move without pain, moving forward in a new direction, or ” the new me” the new normal, etc.  and having to take time, because although the cancer was labeled as in remission, I still had to worry about bringing my body back up to speed.  That first fall after treatment I went hunting, and boy I have to say I did not realize how new my bones were until I sat in that freezing hunting stand in the middle of a Wisconsin fall.  6-month-old bones (all that new tissue) were not happy with me. Luckily, we had some battery and kerosene operated heaters to get me through that weekend, and no I did not get a deer (but there’s always a next time!)

However, when I first brought some of these to class to present that first semester, I started screaming at them, how upset they made me and how awful it was to talk about each and every one. It was excruciating to talk about how the cancer affected me, the things I realized about my life, what I had missed out on, what I possibly would be missing out on, and how it made me feel in general.

Had I not started painting without thinking, I wouldn’t have come to this conclusion.  I had always had assignments, but never something so open ended that my subconscious was able to speak, and to make me stand still and really consider myself and how I was doing.  Yes, I was feeling physically healthy, but until that final exam presentation, as ironic as it was to be in a mental health profession to help others, I hadn’t taken the time to ask myself how I was emotionally concerning the whole situation.  I went through years of pain, and while I had a great support system in my friends, I didn’t have my family until after.  I have been working through this in my program with the help of my teachers and my counselor, so that is why I’m finally able to write about it to others.

Like putting the pieces in the puzzle, such as my first knitting project post cancer, to my nephew-
a tetris themed blanket that i created using an  afghan stitch.

After my five months of treatment, I was considered in remission. My scans were completely clear which meant not only were the tumors gone, but the bones (which were Swiss cheese on the initial MRI) were regrown. I stumped the surgeons at my oncology center, “as the medicine wasn’t supposed to work like that”.

While in March, I will be 3 years in remission, NHL is technically still in my system, and could potentially come back at any time.  I’m keeping positive though that it will remain hidden until I’m old, grey and have outlived everyone I know in spite of my medical history.

Six months after my remission declaration, I went back to school and graduated with a BA in studio art minoring in psychology. I have many thanks to give for the help of my art advisor, and teachers for the extra office hours they sat through helping me adjust back to classes after treatment. I also had good friend on campus who spent many nights helping me study, go through articles and edited all my paper rough drafts for the semester.

The chemo brain was one of my longest standing side effects; While the chemo doesn’t technically travel into the brain, (as my aunt explained to me) it does affect other cells, which go through the lungs (disrupts the oxygen) and travels throughout the body including the brain. It’s a very strong haze of confusion, like walking through a grey curtain and while hearing everything, not completely understanding or hearing anything quite right. The confusion was unbearable most days, other days I was in such a daze it didn’t bother me, very few days were clear.

That five months flew by like a blur for me. But I can assume it was a lifetime for people around me. about a month or so after my last treatment my fog started to clear, by September I felt like I was clear enough for a full schedule, but I realized soon after I was wrong.

I found that I needed to take naps and spend long hours in the library with my friend to keep up with the homework. (I bought pizza and or dinner at least once a week all semester as payment for all the help my friend gave me between her busy schedule). My “new normal” was definitely an adjustment. I was used to being busy, and now I had to take it easy, a lot.

In 2011 I started my master’s degree in art therapy and mental health counseling.  I have always felt that creating art was healing, mostly stress relieving.  However, my specific training in art therapy, has further proven how right it is.

Through these courses and my own personal counseling, I have finally been able to process my feelings about my experience with cancer, as opposed to just calling it a name for my pain.

I have a long medical history.  The most recent diagnosis however was November 2009.  I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma -large b cell in approximately 85% of my skeleton. I went through 5 months of RCHOP, delivered once every three weeks through a meta port in my chest. 

My initial testing was MRI, PET, CT, biopsy, lung x-rays, blood tests, stress tests and full body bone density scans. By the time I started treatment I was literally cracking apart! And was found to have a cracked kneecap, and heavy fissures in many other joints and both thighs. 

I started treatment the week before thanksgiving, I had my meta port installed in the morning and started chemo right after. I had a reaction and had to return the following day, it was very stressful coming back because the chemo made me feel so drugged and woozy on top of being scared and angry and frustrated.

I took it out on my mom, who has severe anxiety and I know was only trying to help, but I felt such a loss of control I couldn’t stop.  Today we are closer than ever, and I am so thankful that she stood by me during my bad days and my good days.  Her and dad came to every chemo and still are there for my post treatment visits as needed.   Thank you, mom and dad!