“I couldn’t make a wish, so I made a dream instead” – Counselor

The camp was awesome!  I was nervous about going to “cancer camp”, it’s one reason I didn’t want to go to “cancer-con” when I first heard about it this spring. I thought it would be all crying, people hooked up to IV bags, people in pain, everything that I didn’t want to remember.

Was almost completely the opposite!

Yes, we did cry, but it was during a “cabin chat” and our camp leader asked if there was anything anyone wanted to discuss as we had an equal amount of newcomers, and seasoned campers/survivors staying together, and technically the camp was about moving forward, survivorship and working through the emotional difficulties. That day was difficult for everyone I think, it was about 4 days in, and we had been through many physical challenges with activities slowing us down, and in a crowded living space (the cabin was very nice but became crowded with everyone and their bags) and of course, with side effects of exhaustion (not the only one!) that wears down a person by the end of an extremely busy week. That morning during a “mindfulness” session we experimented with being in the moment while walking and I had a flashback, so of course to me, it was a negative experience and I shared that with the group. First time I’ve had that type of flashback, I had to relearn to walk after chemo and I remember holding on to the treadmill while pacing my steps to make sure I didn’t fall. Yes, the severe bone pain was gone, but I was still sick from the chemo and all those smells and feelings rushed back at me.  I felt safe to share it though, and I didn’t feel different because other people mentioned similar experiences throughout the week.

Being 5 years in remission and suddenly having this urge to talk to others about all this, it was nice to finally be with people who didn’t tear up at the word cancer, who understand the ickiness of the prednisone and the small PET scan injections (which I had a nurse tell me did not exist one time. I let her have it and she did not return at the end of my PET. hmm) who hugged me after a crying session not because of pity but because they understood the experience.

Here are my posts from Facebook (plus a little extra from throughout the week)

Thursday – arrived in Missoula, Montana! Was bussed to Gold Creek to “camp make-a-dream” and greeted outside of the bus by the camp counselors and a goody bin to start the week, I got a purple frisbee. We went to our cabins and received green tote bags, a blue water bottle, and our itinerary. Was in Camp Bear Tooth! Learned quickly that they were going to “dote on ” us this whole week by the staff bringing our bags to the bus, and to the cabin and serving us in the dining hall.  Not used to that type of treatment! But I got used to it quickly, it was nice having someone else take care of me and taking that time for myself when normally I’m all about helping others.

Friday – Survived climbing the “butte”! (small mountain, bigger than a hill that plateaus on top) took several breaks but I did it! And on my second try completed the rock-climbing wall!! 
(Insert: super empowering to know that I could do it! Being super tired and exhausted all the time has made me feel horrible like I am just lazy or feel like that’s what people think of me since, obviously, I’m out of treatment and I look fine – long-term unseen side effects suck. I had tried climbing the wall once, we had one that started slanted and one that was straight up and down. On the slanted one, I got halfway and then I couldn’t lift my legs high enough and go from leaning forward to backward.  After a while, I stretched well and went up the straight up and down/no slanted and got it with only 1 30-second break with 6 feet to go to the top.  Woohoo!!!!! After that, I went to the “art barn”, and realized they had an entire studio for people to work in throughout the week. Made my warm fuzzy bag to hang in the hall.  Warm fuzzy bags were hung up for people to put notes in throughout the week, and candy :).   After the art barn, we had a cabin chat, an ice breaker to get to know each other, then dinner, and then 9 Square.  A bunch of us stood in these 9 squares and hit a volleyball at each other to get someone out (whoever missed the ball or didn’t get it in someone else’s square).  It stayed light until about 10 pm!! (11 pm central time back home).  We then went and dipped our legs in the hot tub with some other campers and counselors.  Found out my skin is very sensitive to the chemicals because my feet immediately began burning and peeling after leaving the hot tub. We went back to the cabin before 1 am, it was a good day )

Saturday – Yesterday, went to the Missoula farmers market, had amazing ice cream and walked around some awesome shops, came back for a pool party, movie, inspirational speaking, and cabin chats. 

Sunday – Today rode a horse, climbed the rock wall, did archery, had superhero party trivia and games, and did some “warm fuzzy” making. (we each put up bags with our name for people to put notes aka “warm fuzzy” into). Time to go to sleep early. More fun tomorrow!

(Insert: I just realized I may have mixed up Thursday and Friday evenings but that’s ok)

(Saturdays and Sundays insert: farmers market was huge, bought amazing fudge from Nelda’s marvelous fudge stand, salted caramel chocolates, and honey lemonade. mmmm.  A lot of people recognized our camp shirts because the area is big on fundraising to sponsor people to travel out to the camp and to keep the camp free for patients and survivors.  We watched the movie Duff.  I hate being the duff!  Anywho.  Was a pretty awesome weekend regardless of mixing up the day’s activities)

 

Monday -Today, did a high ropes course with zipline, attended two mindfulness workshops, looked good, felt better-working shop, had a deep cabin chat discussing some of our emotional challenges, dance party after dinner, and finished my warm fuzzies! And even though I was frozen with fear at being 35 ft in the air balancing on a wire holding a rope, one of the awesome counselors came over and helped me through it. Finished the rest like a champ! Plenty of photos to come, tomorrow is the last day, flight home early Wednesday.

(Insert: my negative experience was during the morning mindfulness, it was negative but positive at the same time. Part of processing and moving forward is to experience, feel, and accept. Still a long journey as the moments appear but that’s okay. Doing my collage and other art projects helps, and now I have peers to talk to and share with as well.  I did need help on the high ropes. Being 35 feet in the air balancing on a wire holding a rope made me freeze, but a counselor walked out from his end and helped me by taking my hand and making me look at him and avoid looking down.  Went quick at that point! Throughout this week I kept saying, if my nephew who is 10 wants to do this, and the kids I work with who are 10 and above can, I can too!  I was facing fears and shedding that self-doubt, working on it anyway. Now that I know I survived the high ropes, I can have fun next time!)

Tuesday: Final day, finished mindfulness workshop/research participation, prepared for the talent show, sketched portraits at the said talent show! Then received a “grandma tye-dye” reward (each of us in the old lady cabin got a reward) at the fancy banquet they held for us, then stayed up signing each other’s pillows while waiting to head to the airport. A local grandma quilting group donates pillow covers for camp participants throughout the summer. It was such an awesome week, and I will miss these people and the mountains, but I’m looking forward to coming back home 

I will add a new post with images 🙂  I met such amazing people at this camp, or “young adult conference/YAC”  some who are still on chemo, recently off chemo, in studies to keep track of mutated genes, and people in remission.  Everyone was full of life and energy in their way, with smiles and greetings from seasoned and newbies alike. The counselors have all been touched in some way by cancer, either as a sibling, a friend, or a survivor. They also had volunteers in each cabin, who had somehow been touched by cancer either through work (ours was a radiation technician intern), or survivors or siblings.  Some of the ladies in our cabin were staying for the next week’s camp or had stayed in the previous week’s camp.  We shared bits and pieces of what treatment was like and learned about other treatments and what different diagnoses meant.  One young breast cancer survivor showed me her scars, and the volunteer was able to describe where her radiation treatments were.  She’ll be getting her new boobies in October :).   This camp’s motto was “Come to camp, could change your life”.   So fortunate I was able to get a travel scholarship and meet these amazing people, but also to take the time for myself and relax in between outdoor activities.  I can do things, I am still me! Just a different me, my new normal.  But now I know that in my new normal, I can still do what I used to enjoy and that makes all the difference. I’m not alone anymore 🙂