Samantha Hanson, LPC, ATR, Clini-Coach®

Category Uncategorized

Dealing with it.
I wrote in a journal during this time and did initial sketches about my diagnoses.   I don’t have the sketches now, but I will post them at a later time with a future post on current processing.  One other way was my arts & crafts, and my online psych classes toward my undergraduate art studio degree.
I started and finished knitting/crocheting a blanket from my mom’s yarn stash during treatment (and will post a picture later).  Doing my crafting, (yarn, embroidery, etc.)  helped keep my hands nimble in between the cramping.
My painting at that time was mainly for finishing me incompletes at school, but it ended up turning really personal and helpful.  I have a series of 3 paintings that I will post that started as a class project about a metaphor and turned into a story of my cancer.

At that time though I wasn’t talking about my feelings about my experience and the painting while powerful to me, escaped others’ perceptions. (I had submitted it into my senior art show as a school assignment, not a personal project as my professor had encouraged me to do) it was not accepted into the show, but surprisingly a past sculpture based on anger and stress release was accepted instead.

I realize now how important it is to process something as extreme as having cancer, and how many ways the experience has affected who I am and who I’m working toward being.

Shortly after diagnoses I found a book series- Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr, it helped me, and my parents deal with the situation.  The author has a rare incurable cancer and uses humor.  Other books in the series include Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor, Diet and Kitchen. She also had a DVD biography shown on lifetime and an eBook on smoothies.   Www.crazysexycancer.com
I was also introduced to Imerman angels, a free cancer support group that helps connect patient survivors and caregivers who have similar experiences, so they know they aren’t alone.
Initial processing
Why would my body constantly make me sick all my life when I stayed away from “bad” things?  I stayed away from smoking, I rarely drank, I never even wore temporary tattoos. But something was always wrong with me, and on top of that we didn’t understand this whole cancer thing, and the doctors told us to start immediately from how far gone I was and to consider thinking the worst.
I had cancer.  I didn’t have time to freeze eggs from my one remaining ovary (another medical problem of mine) and I was told I would be too sick to continue school.  Three of the most important things at 22 were being taken away from me.
With the chemo I experienced symptoms such as severe muscle cramping, full hair loss, heightened sense of smell, insomnia, chemo brain and heavy weight gain- among others…. (The only good part came halfway through; the pain went away!) Also, at halfway through, came the nausea.
I watched a lot of tv and movies during my time alone (had all reruns known by heart!) Due to my lowered immune system, I couldn’t have visitors which included my two young nephews.  My friends would call and video chat though to check in on me, and on my good days my parents took me to the casinos to do slots! (With my wigs and face masks.)

 

Reflecting back

I have a long medical history.  The most recent diagnosis however was November 2009.  I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma -large b cell in approximately 85% of my skeleton. I went through 5 months of RCHOP, delivered once every three weeks through a meta port in my chest. 

My initial testing was MRI, PET, CT, biopsy, lung x-rays, blood tests, stress tests and full body bone density scans. By the time I started treatment I was literally cracking apart! And was found to have a cracked kneecap, and heavy fissures in many other joints and both thighs. 

I started treatment the week before thanksgiving, I had my meta port installed in the morning and started chemo right after. I had a reaction and had to return the following day, it was very stressful coming back because the chemo made me feel so drugged and woozy on top of being scared and angry and frustrated.

I took it out on my mom, who has severe anxiety and I know was only trying to help, but I felt such a loss of control I couldn’t stop.  Today we are closer than ever, and I am so thankful that she stood by me during my bad days and my good days.  Her and dad came to every chemo and still are there for my post treatment visits as needed.   Thank you, mom and dad!