“I couldn’t make a wish, so I made a dream instead” – Counselor

The camp was awesome!  I was nervous about going to “cancer camp”, it’s one reason I didn’t want to go to “cancer-con” when I first heard about it this spring. I thought it would be all crying, people hooked up to IV bags, people in pain, everything that I didn’t want to remember.

Was almost completely the opposite!

Yes, we did cry, but it was during a “cabin chat” and our camp leader asked if there was anything anyone wanted to discuss as we had an equal amount of newcomers, and seasoned campers/survivors staying together, and technically the camp was about moving forward, survivorship and working through the emotional difficulties. That day was difficult for everyone I think, it was about 4 days in, and we had been through many physical challenges with activities slowing us down, and in a crowded living space (the cabin was very nice but became crowded with everyone and their bags) and of course, with side effects of exhaustion (not the only one!) that wears down a person by the end of an extremely busy week. That morning during a “mindfulness” session we experimented with being in the moment while walking and I had a flashback, so of course to me, it was a negative experience and I shared that with the group. First time I’ve had that type of flashback, I had to relearn to walk after chemo and I remember holding on to the treadmill while pacing my steps to make sure I didn’t fall. Yes, the severe bone pain was gone, but I was still sick from the chemo and all those smells and feelings rushed back at me.  I felt safe to share it though, and I didn’t feel different because other people mentioned similar experiences throughout the week.

Being 5 years in remission and suddenly having this urge to talk to others about all this, it was nice to finally be with people who didn’t tear up at the word cancer, who understand the ickiness of the prednisone and the small PET scan injections (which I had a nurse tell me did not exist one time. I let her have it and she did not return at the end of my PET. hmm) who hugged me after a crying session not because of pity but because they understood the experience.

Here are my posts from Facebook (plus a little extra from throughout the week)

Thursday – arrived in Missoula, Montana! Was bussed to Gold Creek to “camp make-a-dream” and greeted outside of the bus by the camp counselors and a goody bin to start the week, I got a purple frisbee. We went to our cabins and received green tote bags, a blue water bottle, and our itinerary. Was in Camp Bear Tooth! Learned quickly that they were going to “dote on ” us this whole week by the staff bringing our bags to the bus, and to the cabin and serving us in the dining hall.  Not used to that type of treatment! But I got used to it quickly, it was nice having someone else take care of me and taking that time for myself when normally I’m all about helping others.

Friday – Survived climbing the “butte”! (small mountain, bigger than a hill that plateaus on top) took several breaks but I did it! And on my second try completed the rock-climbing wall!! 
(Insert: super empowering to know that I could do it! Being super tired and exhausted all the time has made me feel horrible like I am just lazy or feel like that’s what people think of me since, obviously, I’m out of treatment and I look fine – long-term unseen side effects suck. I had tried climbing the wall once, we had one that started slanted and one that was straight up and down. On the slanted one, I got halfway and then I couldn’t lift my legs high enough and go from leaning forward to backward.  After a while, I stretched well and went up the straight up and down/no slanted and got it with only 1 30-second break with 6 feet to go to the top.  Woohoo!!!!! After that, I went to the “art barn”, and realized they had an entire studio for people to work in throughout the week. Made my warm fuzzy bag to hang in the hall.  Warm fuzzy bags were hung up for people to put notes in throughout the week, and candy :).   After the art barn, we had a cabin chat, an ice breaker to get to know each other, then dinner, and then 9 Square.  A bunch of us stood in these 9 squares and hit a volleyball at each other to get someone out (whoever missed the ball or didn’t get it in someone else’s square).  It stayed light until about 10 pm!! (11 pm central time back home).  We then went and dipped our legs in the hot tub with some other campers and counselors.  Found out my skin is very sensitive to the chemicals because my feet immediately began burning and peeling after leaving the hot tub. We went back to the cabin before 1 am, it was a good day )

Saturday – Yesterday, went to the Missoula farmers market, had amazing ice cream and walked around some awesome shops, came back for a pool party, movie, inspirational speaking, and cabin chats. 

Sunday – Today rode a horse, climbed the rock wall, did archery, had superhero party trivia and games, and did some “warm fuzzy” making. (we each put up bags with our name for people to put notes aka “warm fuzzy” into). Time to go to sleep early. More fun tomorrow!

(Insert: I just realized I may have mixed up Thursday and Friday evenings but that’s ok)

(Saturdays and Sundays insert: farmers market was huge, bought amazing fudge from Nelda’s marvelous fudge stand, salted caramel chocolates, and honey lemonade. mmmm.  A lot of people recognized our camp shirts because the area is big on fundraising to sponsor people to travel out to the camp and to keep the camp free for patients and survivors.  We watched the movie Duff.  I hate being the duff!  Anywho.  Was a pretty awesome weekend regardless of mixing up the day’s activities)

 

Monday -Today, did a high ropes course with zipline, attended two mindfulness workshops, looked good, felt better-working shop, had a deep cabin chat discussing some of our emotional challenges, dance party after dinner, and finished my warm fuzzies! And even though I was frozen with fear at being 35 ft in the air balancing on a wire holding a rope, one of the awesome counselors came over and helped me through it. Finished the rest like a champ! Plenty of photos to come, tomorrow is the last day, flight home early Wednesday.

(Insert: my negative experience was during the morning mindfulness, it was negative but positive at the same time. Part of processing and moving forward is to experience, feel, and accept. Still a long journey as the moments appear but that’s okay. Doing my collage and other art projects helps, and now I have peers to talk to and share with as well.  I did need help on the high ropes. Being 35 feet in the air balancing on a wire holding a rope made me freeze, but a counselor walked out from his end and helped me by taking my hand and making me look at him and avoid looking down.  Went quick at that point! Throughout this week I kept saying, if my nephew who is 10 wants to do this, and the kids I work with who are 10 and above can, I can too!  I was facing fears and shedding that self-doubt, working on it anyway. Now that I know I survived the high ropes, I can have fun next time!)

Tuesday: Final day, finished mindfulness workshop/research participation, prepared for the talent show, sketched portraits at the said talent show! Then received a “grandma tye-dye” reward (each of us in the old lady cabin got a reward) at the fancy banquet they held for us, then stayed up signing each other’s pillows while waiting to head to the airport. A local grandma quilting group donates pillow covers for camp participants throughout the summer. It was such an awesome week, and I will miss these people and the mountains, but I’m looking forward to coming back home 

I will add a new post with images 🙂  I met such amazing people at this camp, or “young adult conference/YAC”  some who are still on chemo, recently off chemo, in studies to keep track of mutated genes, and people in remission.  Everyone was full of life and energy in their way, with smiles and greetings from seasoned and newbies alike. The counselors have all been touched in some way by cancer, either as a sibling, a friend, or a survivor. They also had volunteers in each cabin, who had somehow been touched by cancer either through work (ours was a radiation technician intern), or survivors or siblings.  Some of the ladies in our cabin were staying for the next week’s camp or had stayed in the previous week’s camp.  We shared bits and pieces of what treatment was like and learned about other treatments and what different diagnoses meant.  One young breast cancer survivor showed me her scars, and the volunteer was able to describe where her radiation treatments were.  She’ll be getting her new boobies in October :).   This camp’s motto was “Come to camp, could change your life”.   So fortunate I was able to get a travel scholarship and meet these amazing people, but also to take the time for myself and relax in between outdoor activities.  I can do things, I am still me! Just a different me, my new normal.  But now I know that in my new normal, I can still do what I used to enjoy and that makes all the difference. I’m not alone anymore 🙂

On my way to camp make-a-dream!  Day started out a little scary, accident right in front of me and dad on freeway. Here’s to hoping for a smooth flight!  Won’t have Wi-Fi so I’ll post images and journal entries next week!

I was looking at my stats tonight, because with Google blogger it tells you where your viewers are from!  I’m international people 🙂

United States        75
Singapore             13
United Kingdom   9
Estonia                   8
Switzerland            4
Australia                1
Canada                   1
Hungary                 1
New Zealand          1
Poland                    1

Out of those countries, I live in the US, have visited the UK (England and Scotland), and gone fishing in Canada! Have also visited Italy.  Australia is on my list (if you have any sites to see please comment below for my future travel plans!)  And if I’d get the chance, I’d love to backpack through Europe see all the others! (when I say Europe, at this stage of tiredness I tend to chunk that entire part of the world together, I apologize for not recognizing the differences at this time)

I received an email about a week ago for my state department licensing application. I finally got a chance to check out my “checklist” tonight and I’m not sure what’s left except gathering my hours? Will be working on that list tonight.  Super excited!!! I passed the NCE (national counselor examination) which states I’m competent on a national level to become a state licensed professional counselor! (again I apologize for not recognizing the differences in the individual countries within the continents, my multicultural class memories are screaming at me inside as I write this)

I’m on night two of three of night shifts. I suppose I will find out tomorrow if I will be doing a third night or if it was picked up before I requested. (pool employee, I pick up as needed and would love to pick up in advance but unfortunately it doesn’t always work that way)  I am officially interviewing for other part time jobs (love my Mary Kay, but I’m not at the point yet where I can do it full time, but I’m always willing to send out Togo kits (homemade kits of samples with instructions) and meet with you on Skype/facetime to give you your facial! Certain countries have their own Mary Kay and cannot go through US Mary Kay, but nationwide you are clear to contact me, I believe this includes the islands, but I’d have to double check) one part I love about Marykay, its sharing the product and building relationships.  We want to know about you, what you want, what will help you feel good. Coffee and a chat, a new shade of lip-gloss, I know some consultants who go to the zoo with their clients (if they have kids or just want to hang out).  I have yet to get a zoo initiation, but someday 🙂 until then coffee or cocoa and a chat is nice 🙂 (my treat!)  Our new shades of lip-gloss are pretty awesome though. We have two special ones that proceeds are given toward cancer research with their purchase.  Our @play ones are fun, a cheek and lip stick, jazzy berry color and our new cream eye shadow/eye liner combo sticks. Ahhh!!! the life of a beauty consultant, must hold back… lol when I finish up a lipstick, one of the many in my makeup bag/purse, work bag etc. then I will allow myself to buy a new one. If these awesome ones are still available, it was meant to be. (did I mention as an active consultant you get a half off discount?) www.marykay.com/shanson for more info (success stories of longtime consultants, can give you a phone line to listen to as well (free), we have virtual makeover(free), skincare quizzes to help find your skin type (also free), and I believe you can choose your own samples with your purchase (also free!)

Anyhow, sleeping during the day is not near as fulfilling as sleeping at night.  I have my cloth eye mask from my plane travels during school, I darken the room, I have a nice cuddly comforter, the fan on, but it’s more of a long nap.  Only 7 more hours to go! (Staying late today, switched shifts with someone so they are coming in a little later and I’m staying a little later, kind of a partial mini shadow for am shift that’s not really a shadow but I’m calling it one because Friday I’ll be doing a half am shift all on my own and so anxious, but at the same time not. (I think once I get sleep again, I will feel better about it) will be in an adult aoda unit, so technically they will be in groups the whole time, but it’s the filling orders from doctors and therapists I’m worried about as I haven’t done that since orientation back in December. (my home unit I’m on weekends, orders are usually put in weekdays) I was reassured by other staff though that if I can survive the challenges of my home unit, Friday will be a piece of cake. (home unit is adolescent females with severe depression)

Well, I have a list of things I need to do, outside of the work I’ve completed already, going to start filling out my Marykay business quarterly forms and organize my receipts up until now. (Determined to be prepared by January for taxes this year instead of the last week allotted to get info in! whoops…but between the tax forms that Marykay provides and +TurboTax I was set in no time! Received my refunds very quickly as well. I did have to do an Identity confirmation quiz, but it was like 4 questions and took 30 seconds. Luckily with my Marykay website, if you enter your payment information its confidential and secure. I try not to enter my information on many websites because you just never know, but we’ve even received awards for having such a successful website!

Anyway, back to working on my personal to-do list. Goodnight! or is it good morning?

Hello all!  I just checked my views, and I had like 58 views in the last week!   🙂 yay it probably helped that I did post this on a few Facebook pages of mine.  Feel free to comment, like, share, what not!  I am glad I can help reach out to others with my experiences to share that we’re not alone, even if it feels like it sometimes. (We’re all allowed to have pity parties. Check out Kris Carr author of crazy sexy cancer for some of her experiences)
– my favorite one (not word for word):  …but she had been in a dark house for days, her mom finally came to find her, saw all the shades drawn, Chinese food cartons everywhere and her sitting in the dark. They packed her up, the cat in its box and went on their way.  While stuck in a traffic jam outside the big tunnel in New York with the cat screaming in the backseat she finally turns around and grabs the cage shaking it and screaming back at the cat.  The cat of course stopped, looked at her and started screaming again (no harm done). 

My family used humor during treatment, because we preferred to laugh instead of cry.  We still cry when we think about it though, one reason why my parents don’t want to think about these relays I want to attend, or people I want to meet or conferences (although next year I’m totally doing #cancercon, cryathon or not I heard it was awesome).

Speaking of relay!  I don’t have photos at this time, but I will get them up in a following post.   A new friend from one of those said groups met me and kept me company in between laps. (I was doing a Mary Kay booth offering facial demos).  Hanging out with her was awesome! She let me test some of my product on her, we both talked about direct sales we’ve done/tried in the past, talked about our experiences with our doctors, had some good laughs and even ate cake she won during the cake walk!

But OMG it was so hot in there, we thought we were #melting.  I was wearing a dress ok, a dress! No nylons, no sweater over it, I was freak melting!!!!!!!! One of the massage ladies in my corner went home to get a fan and we were still melting. I felt so bad for them because they had to massage people for 4 hours in the dying heat of the building.  Why would a building not turn on their air, especially for this population??? According to the school kids, the air had not been on during the day either. (it’s been raining a lot in our area, not that cold but who knows how they run their system?)

Me and my new friend did do the survivor walk (me in my red dress and black heels), but I had my survivor shirt hanging at my table, wore it after the booth closed for a few laps before deciding to leave because of the heat, and being a boring adult who likes to sleep at night lol.  (friend had to get up early and her dog needed to be let out, so she left to).  I was able to get a picture with the Culvers cone walking around, yay for celebrating life! (and promoting my business).  One lady did comment that I was over dressed, she was only wearing a dress because she got out of work and came straight in, and here I was in red dress and heals.  I commented that this was my professional work clothes as a consultant, and she just wiggled her fingers at me while I was talking and waved herself with one of my catalogs. I stopped talking and just nodded and smiled at that point.  Another woman said she had switched to Arbonne and lbri and needed to switch back to Mary Kay, so who knows! 🙂

At the end of the booth time was the #luminaria ceremony. People wrote remembrances on bags and they were filled with glow sticks and at a certain time the lights went out so people could walk around and take time to remember.  In the beginning us #survivors had to cut a piece of ribbon and tie it to a wire bracket (for flowers) so at the end we had a tulip gate full of ribbons and colors. Mine was #lime green for #lymphoma .

anyhow, I made it home, took forever to fall asleep because of the heat (should have jumped in a cold shower, but the fan helped), slept on and off all day because of a pounding headache and the need to work night shift (here I am typing at 4:30 am).  My next post will be about the constant battle between fatigue, exhaustion and insomnia!

Maybe tomorrow night, as I work night shift again and its so much easier to type on a regular keyboard then the iPad. (also doesn’t accidently erase as easily)

So last week I went to the #survivor dinner, and I was telling the group I have a #relayforlife this Friday where I’m walking the survivor walk and hosting a #facial booth for majority of the night. I may or may not stay the whole night, depends on if I have a team. It made me realize how “alone” I am.  I love my family and friends, but they didn’t personally walk in my shoes, and I get “it’s gone right?” a lot.

I’m not sure when I really started to let this bug me, but last fall (on way to 5 years clear) it started to really get to me. No one to talk to who wouldn’t tear up or glaze over. Mom and dad won’t talk about it much less consider going to one of the cancer conferences (even though they are about positive things and this whole experience we’ve been thinking positively, but I see where they are coming from).  And now I have relay but no team. I was invited to someone else’s team in October, but I have no team. I miss the days where I had the pain, but I could still hang out with people and ignore it.  Now the pains gone but it’s like this shadow is hovering and won’t go away. Aches and pains now turn into, could it be back? I’m supposed to call my doc for blood results, and I haven’t because I’m nervous something might show up and then I can’t go to camp.  I’ve been tripping more often, and my mind immediately goes to, is a tumor growing in my spine causing numbness in my feet to cause my excessive tripping?  Most likely it’s caused by not taking my thyroid meds because somehow, it’s all connected. If I ever get up that courage to find out my blood work results from my physical, I’ll mention it at that time.

Thankfully I have this new group I found through my fb online support group, and I’m now going to two different young adult survivor camps this summer :). One through “make-a-dream” in #Montana, an #adventure camp.  Another with #FirstDescents in #Wyoming – #Kayaking! I will get the opportunity to socialize, meet others who have been in similar situation and learn something new 🙂 Nervous but very excited 🙂

Hello all!  I’m in the middle of a 12-hour shift at the behavioral health facility I work, and I am enjoying an amazing small cheese and sausage pizza.  I came in early to help fill a gap, so I’m doing 7 to 7 today. Didn’t get to start ordering my pizza until midnight, then after I placed one order, I realized the place was closed, so I called four different places and finally Dominos picked up!!!!! Five minutes to end of delivery hour, and thankfully they said it wasn’t a problem to drive out to me 🙂 Even made it before the half hour estimated time!

Today started out frustrating. I’m now on night two of four-night shifts. (11 till 7:30ish am).  I was asked last night to come in early (at 7) and then found out I would have to work with an employee, who frankly I haven’t quite meshed with yet.  Needless to say, after only a few hours of sleep and arriving here, it was a nerve-racking start to the shift. All in all, though, it was a good afternoon. Nothing dramatic happened, no incident reports had to be filed, and after this employee left, he called me to apologize.  I’m still processing this, because it totally came out of the blue.  You ever had that happen?

our unit specifically uses “DBT” or “dialectical behavioral therapy“.  A lot of validation, talking over the events that led to the emotions, and events that may or may not have been the right choices, and more validation.  The rest of the facility uses CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy.  They do a lot of ‘resisting urges’ while we are about the feelings that move behaviors and accepting responsibility for those actions. ” Yea you just did this. Now how can we change it so next time a different skill can be used, and we can change the situation?” I enjoy learning about new things and this DBT is definitely fascinating, feels like it should have been incorporated long ago, but hey better late than never!

What does this have to do with my fellow employee?  Well, they called to tell me that after our shift processing it got him thinking and realized that he never really validated me and what I have to offer to the unit.  My initial training was not the smoothest, and in a new unit with one fully trained staff to train a fast-growing team of new people, clashing occurred. <— takes guts to admit that people. Between our hiccups and now that some of the air has cleared, it won’t be so nerve-wracking to come to work with him anymore.  Tonight was the first night we really worked as a team, and now I’m truly able to enjoy my pizza. 🙂

Hello all!  I’m not sure if I wrote about my initial chemo, but for anyone reading this I’ll give it a go along with suggestions on surviving it.